Through years of wisdom and various experiences with roommates and boyfriends, I have a pretty good idea of what’s “right” and what’s “fair” in regard to household rules and chore allocation. These qualifiers can sometimes be mutually exclusive (Example: no matter who gets nekkid first, I always win the game); but more often than not, I have an answer that puts everyone on a level playing field. Unlike when I play Sims, I am a fair and just god.
“Not this”
Arbitrarily numbered and in no particular order, I will present them to you in installments, as often as the mood strikes. First one’s even a twofer!
Rule # 17: You’re Closer
If an item is in need of retrieval or an action must be performed and whoever thinks of it is feeling particularly lazy, “You’re Closer” may be called. This rule assumes an honor system in place of not being a dickbag and waiting to call it until someone moves closer to desired object/action. On the other hand, if one moves behind the other before calling, it will result in immediate disqualification for the caller who must then do it their damn selves.
In the event someone wishes to invoke “You’re Closer” when both parties are of relative equal distance to the object/action, a coin must be flipped to decide who goes. [We had to replace ‘rock-paper-scissors’ early on, as it was discovered that I READ MINDS.]
Variables/exceptions to “You’re Closer” include, but are not limited to injury, illness, state of (un)dress, ick factor, and personal responsibility.
Rule # 3: 48 Hours
If tasty treats are brought into the house, whoever produced them has 48 hours to consume them before they relinquish their rights to it and it becomes community property. This rule is effective from the moment said treats enter the house, not when someone else first notices them, Jessica.
I will even broadcast a friendly SMS reminder to all affected parties when “48 Hours” is set to expire, and which items are affected.
Boyfriend says he envisions me circling the fridge 'Jurassic Park' style starting at around hour 47.
I think that’s a bit melodramatic, but it was nevertheless fun to illustrate.
Variables/exceptions to “48 Hours” include, but are not limited to birthday cake (nobody can or should consume an entire birthday cake by themselves), cheesecake (more than 24 hours in the fridge and it gets rubbery), cupcakes (they’re MADE for sharing!) and anything else ending in 'cake'.
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